Accidental Motherhood

Here I sit, delicately reclined at an angle that is just sloped enough to allow my son to rest peacefully on my chest, while also allowing me to type on my keyboard. My life is no longer about me or my schedule. I plan everything from showers and trips to the rest room around this little six pound bundle of love. I found myself seriously considering if I could go another 5 minutes without going to the bathroom as I had just gotten him to sleep and knew if I put him down now, he'd wake up.

Motherhood has grabbed a hold of me and I am amazed at the transformation my life has gone through in a matter of seconds. It is an hourly, daily, and weekly change that never ends.  From the moment they placed this little man on my chest after taking his first breath of life I felt the urgeant need to protect him. The old "self" that used to take precedence was gone. It wasnt about me anymore. His littlest wimper sends my heart into a flutter and I want to do everything within my power to fix whatever is wrong. Everyone says just give it time, but I don't know that this feeling will ever go away. Or for that matter, that I would ever want it to go away. I pray that my life will always be 100% about loving, protecting, and caring for this new love of my life. That I will never be one of those mom's that complains about the responsibility that motherhood requires. Sure there are going to be tough days, but I know that this is what I was made to do.

While in the hospital, little man developed some pretty serious jaundice. He had to be under the lights around the clock, only coming out for feedings. Those feedings could last no longer then half an hour and then he had to be put right back in. This broke my heart. I would sit on the edge of my bed staring at him in his crib. Hearing his cry sent an ache to my stomach I had never experienced before. My baby was crying frantically wanting someone to snuggle him and hold him close. This was my first "mama" moment. I sat crying, while my baby cried. Knowing he needed the lights in order to get better but all the while wanting nothing more then to snatch him up in my arms and never put him down. I thought this was bad.... little did I know what was to come.

This brings us to Saturday night . . .we had been home for almost one week and I was feeling steadily more confident with my "motherhood" role. There is something so different about caring for other people's children and then suddenly being responsible for you own. Being a nanny prepared me endlessly for most day to day situations that would occur. I can change a diaper, know all the tricks to burping and dealing with gas problems. But there is something so different when its your own child. I found all of my years of knowledge flying out the window and frantically going through the routines as if this was my first time ever doing it. But come Sunday I was feeling like the "Nanny Emily" was in full swing. I was feeling awesome, back to my old self and ready for whatever this little guy could throw at me.... HA!!!!

It was my mom's last night in town and wanted to get the bath time routine down while I had an extra set of hands. While bathing him I noticed a good ammount of swelling on his little pee pee. He had been circumsized in the hospital and the Dr said that it could take up to 10 days for the plastic piece to fall off. Well, we were on day 10 and I started to panic. Suddenly every thought was going through my mind. What if its infected. What if there is something wrong. It looked embedded into the skin. OH MY GOSH.... MY BABY !!!  I immediately get him out of the tub and frantically search for the circumsicisons Dr's telephone number. I page him and sit anxiously waiting for his call. I explain to him what it looks like and the problem and he, as calm as a cucumber says to me, "you'll need a pair of scissors and you are going to carefully cut the string that is left attached to the tip of the penis" ...... ARE YOU KIDDING ME.... you want me to take a pair of scissors to the tip of my sons penis !!!! Thank God my mom was here, the husband and I both were freaking, there is no way I could have done it... .my hands were shaking, my heart was aching, and my stomach felt ready to lurch. She couldnt do this by herself. Someone had to help hold his little legs. . . men and penis issues are a touchy subject so I knew it had to be me. There I stand. Balling my eyes out, holding my little man's legs down so that his grandmom could carefully and exactly clip that last little bit that was stuck. He was fine, sure he cried but because he was cold, his little self was completely naked and he just wanted to be cozy warm. I was convinced I was going to pass out or throw up.

For the next hour I sat snuggling my little man.  Crying till my head felt like it was going to explode. I just looked into his precious face and knew that was it. I was done. My entire being belonged to this little man. My life was never going to be the same. Every tear he cries, I will cry. Every pain he feels I will feel a million times over. But one look into his amazing eyes and I know that I wouldn't want it any other way!