I have received so much amazing love, support and encouragement from everyone who has been reading. I feel so completely blessed to know that I am not the only one that has struggled with all of these emotions. Thank YOU for your honesty and openness !!
I mentioned in the previous posts that I had a hard time "bonding" with the idea of pregnancy. During the first few days, up until 12 weeks, it was a roller coaster of emotions. We told family and friends as soon as my husband and I had realized what was happening. This probably didn't help things. I felt like I had to be excited and happy, smiling and "glowing". I was taking the ques from my husband, I would repeat what he would say and hope that no one would see through me.
Looking back, it probably would have helped the "love" process to have allowed some more time before telling people. Waiting until you can see a doctor not only gives you comfort with confirmed information but also allows you some time to adjust to the idea before having to be happily excited talking to family and friends. Everyone would tell me how wonderful it was. What an amazing blessing it was going to be and I just wasn't emotionally there yet. I felt in my heart that this meant I was destined to be a terrible mother. Shouldn't I be in love with this little precious bundle of joy? Shouldn't I be thrilled beyond belief that I was going to be a carrier of God's most amazing gift?
I had called the doctors office and made my first prenatal appointment. My husband was able to go with me, which was a good thing because the waiting room was jam packed full of women who's bellies looked like they were about to pop. I sat nervously, pretending to play with my phone. The entire time staring at my stomach. Imagining it growing to the size of a basketball. I envisioned swollen cankles and fingers. Before I knew it I was in the labor and delivery room yelling and screaming like all of those crazy TV births. Finally my name was called and I snapped back into reality.
After doing the standard screenings, she left us alone in the room while waiting the results. There we sat, my husband and I stared at each other for what seemed like forever. Finally I blurted out, "you think she'll tell us the tests were wrong." He just laughed and scoured the desk for reading material. "I mean, maybe those tests really were wrong. Maybe its all a fluke." Could I seriously still be doubtful? As if God instantly heard my heart, and wanted to nip the thoughts in the butt, the nurse came in with a bag full of prenatals and baby samples. "Congratulations Mama." ....... MAMA.... wow, the first time anyone had ever called me that.
The news that I had so desperately been praying for was suddenly upon me and I couldn't breath. Sure I was freaking out about being pregnant. Nervous about the next 9 months and all that my body was going through. But now that it might not happen, I was suddenly so sad. Why would God have allowed me to go through the past days of torture only to take it away?
I spent the next three weeks now defensively protecting myself. I stopped talking about it. I pretended it wasn't happening. After all, I needed to be prepared and in control right? As if this pregnancy itself didn't show me that it was not me, but God managing my life.We finally made it to the appointment, July 28, 2009. The bloodwork had shown a steady increase and we were going to check again to make sure everything was progressing. We walked right in and climbed up on the table. I again reached out for my husbands hand and take a deep breath. Instantly I see something on the screen.
It hasn't been easy, there have been many things that have freaked me out and sent me googling for answers. I have been convinced that something was wrong a million times. I have been worried and protective over this little life inside me.
Before I knew it I was that girl, the girl that was registering for breast pumps and diaper champs. I was attending a baby shower and oogling over the cutest "little man suit" I have ever seen, complete with sweater vest, trousers, and a bow tie.
We are now 38 weeks and 6 days. Tomorrow I will be heading to the hospital to be induced. Everyone told me to cherish the moments because it would fly by before I knew it. Sure its easy to say when they weren't the ones dragging through the first trimester. But seriously, I am absolutely amazed looking back how quickly it passed.
I can not wait to be a mom... even if it was accidentally