Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The moment I fell in love

I have received so much amazing love, support and encouragement from everyone who has been reading. I feel so completely blessed to know that I am not the only one that has struggled with all of these emotions. Thank YOU for your honesty and openness !! 

I mentioned in the previous posts that I had a hard time "bonding" with the idea of pregnancy. During the first few days, up until 12 weeks, it was a roller coaster of emotions.  We told family and friends as soon as my husband and I had realized what was happening. This probably didn't help things. I felt like I had to  be excited and happy, smiling and "glowing". I was taking the ques from my husband, I would repeat what he would say and hope that no one would see through me.

Looking back, it probably would have helped the "love" process to have allowed some more time before telling people. Waiting until you can see a doctor not only gives you comfort with confirmed information but also allows you some time to adjust to the idea before having to be happily excited talking to family and friends. Everyone would tell me how wonderful it was. What an amazing blessing it was going to be and I just wasn't emotionally there yet. I felt in my heart that this meant I was destined to be a terrible mother. Shouldn't I be in love with this little precious bundle of joy? Shouldn't I be thrilled beyond belief that I was going to be a carrier of God's most amazing gift?

I had called the doctors office and made my first prenatal appointment. My husband was able to go with me, which was a good thing because the waiting room was jam packed full of women who's bellies looked like they were about to pop. I sat nervously, pretending to play with my phone. The entire time staring at my stomach. Imagining it growing to the size of a basketball. I envisioned swollen cankles and fingers. Before I knew it I was in the labor and delivery room yelling and screaming like all of those crazy TV births. Finally my name was called and I snapped back into reality. 

After doing the standard screenings, she left us alone in the room while waiting the results. There we sat, my husband and I stared at each other for what seemed like forever. Finally I blurted out, "you think she'll tell us the tests were wrong." He just laughed and scoured the desk for reading material. "I mean, maybe those tests really were wrong. Maybe its all a fluke." Could I seriously still be doubtful? As if God instantly heard my heart, and wanted to nip the thoughts in the butt, the nurse came in with a bag full of prenatals and baby samples. "Congratulations Mama." ....... MAMA.... wow, the first time anyone had ever called me that.

According to my dates we should have been about nine weeks along. But again, those dates were open to interpretation. I was never a tracker of my schedule and just dealt with it when it came.  They decided to do an ultrasound in order to be able to date the pregnancy. I was not prepared for this, I thought we'd get in and get out, I didn't think I'd see "it". I anxiously climb up on the table and got my belly smothered with goop. I begin to have some difficulty breathing. I reached out for my husbands hands and took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.... and then literally ... nothing! The nurse was having trouble and us an "I'm sorry" look. She went out to get the Doctor and suddenly I was living the scene from Marley and Me. I was choking. Something was caught in my throat. As he struggled to find "it" I felt my eyes welling up with tears. He proceeded to show me a sac, and a little blob no bigger then a jelly bean. He informed us that perhaps our dates were off, and that is why the fetus had not progressed further. In order to be sure, he ordered a series of blood work that would track my hormones over the next couple of days. And if those tests showed a progression of pregnancy I would come back in three weeks for another ultrasound. If those test showed a progression??I went from being pregnant, to having been pregnant.

The news that I had so desperately been praying for was suddenly upon me and I couldn't breath. Sure I was freaking out about being pregnant. Nervous about the next 9 months and all that my body was going through. But now that it might not happen, I was suddenly so sad. Why would God have allowed me to go through the past days of torture only to take it away?

I spent the next three weeks now defensively protecting myself. I stopped talking about it. I pretended it wasn't happening. After all, I needed to be prepared and in control right? As if this pregnancy itself didn't show me that it was not me, but God managing my life.We finally made it to the appointment, July 28, 2009. The bloodwork had shown a steady increase and we were going to check again to make sure everything was progressing. We walked right in and climbed up on the table. I again reached out for my husbands hand and take a deep breath. Instantly I see something on the screen.

I saw the perfect outline of a baby. Okay, well not perfect, in reality he looked like an alien. A head too big for his body, little eye buds, little stumps for arms and legs. It was absolutely incredible. I was expecting to see just a bigger jelly bean. But this was a baby! and not just a baby,  MY BABY.  Then with the click of a button I heard the most amazing sound, a heartbeat. It was flying at a speed of 174 beats per minute. Crazy how those numbers get stuck in your head. I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning, but I remember how fast my little guys heart was beating the first time I heard it. Before I could even stop myself I was crying. My heart exploded into a million pieces. It is something that is completely indescribable. I finally knew what everyone was talking about. This was the most amazing gift that a person can be given. A miracle and it was mine. I was in love!! That was it, I was making a baby. I would spend the next days, weeks, and months reading, studying, researching, and preparing. I would be the best Accidental Baby Maker I could be. From there it has grown a million and ten percent. Every day I am more and more amazed at the ammount of love a person can feel for someone they have never "met".

It hasn't been easy, there have been many things that have freaked me out and sent me googling for answers. I have been convinced that something was wrong a million times. I have been worried and protective over this little life inside me.

We would later find out that it was a boy. I'm sure he'll kill me some day for showing his boy parts, but its part of the journey right :) Sorry Kid!!! And he would become my little man.

Before I knew it I was that girl, the girl that was registering for breast pumps and diaper champs. I was attending a baby shower and oogling over the cutest "little man suit" I have ever seen, complete with sweater vest, trousers, and a bow tie.

We are now 38 weeks and 6 days. Tomorrow I will be heading to the hospital to be induced. Everyone told me to cherish the moments because it would fly by before I knew it. Sure its easy to say when they weren't the ones dragging through the first trimester. But seriously, I am absolutely amazed looking back how quickly it passed.

I can not wait to be a mom... even if it was accidentally

1 comment:

  1. Reading your blog, the whole baby thing sounds a little more appealing, even to me.


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